Log in

07 July 2009 @ 03:23 pm
We're in an empty parking lot, just me and him. The sun is out, it's warm, and he's dressed in purple, as normal. There's no one else around, no noises, nothing but the world and us. And I grab him by the shoulders, face to face, and I tell him "I don't know where you are, or what you're doing, but I hope you go and do everything you want to do. You are greatness and wonderfulness and everything there is in the world to be. You're my little brother and I love you. Never forget that, wherever you go and whatever you do: I love you."

And he smiles, like he does, a shy unassuming one, and turns away, and walks a couple steps, and suddenly he's a bunch of purple balloons, and he's rising into the air, higher and higher, into the bright blue sky, until he's so high that I can't see him anymore, the sun is too bright and the sky is too big and the world is too everything. But I still see him and hear him and know he's there. And I won't ever forget. Never.

I love you, Jared. And I always will.
15 January 2009 @ 04:02 am
"Straighten up and fly right," that's what I'm told. But with no map, and very little in the way of navigational sense, "fly right" is a loose direction to be given. I have so many things I have done, and so many things I haven't, that the pro and con columns on my "this is how I am" list are staggering in their complexity, not to mention length. And there's always the next day to wake up to, the next new beginning, the next "it's all happening." But the happening and the being are two very different concepts to me, and right now, I am neither being nor happening. I simply am. I am alive. I am breathing. I am not sleeping. I am still. I am standing. I am.

But is it enough to simply "am"? I can't imagine anything else, really, I cannot. Ingesting information and analyzing, that is what I am best at. Spitting out facts and figures to support theses and ideating randomness into order, chaos into FACT. But there is not much in the way of a field for this, without certain concessions made to existing social order and class structure, and I am far beyond wanting to kowtow to that. Which is a large section of the problem, most likely. I am not built for these societal structures, thus I deny them, thus they deny me. I am, but they do not choose to acknowledge my am. They ignore my am and declare me persona non-grata. Excepting where money and the owing of it is concerned, though that is another story.

Lack of REM is a killer, and maybe that's the problem. Too much introspection, not enough intervention. My chosen fields are, at best, non-linear, and I love the most what I do best. I abhor a vacuum, and the vacuousness of everything else I see waiting for me is disheartening, to say the least. I miss falling asleep next to you, I miss you waking up next to me. There are so many regrets and kudos built into a lifetime, and I have lived but a third of one thus far. But no worries, I suppose. Lifespans being what they are, who's to say who will outlive the best or worst of us? (I know. But I'm not telling.)

So yes, so anyway, that's my conundrum. Aside from my current state of not being able to sleep. The future, though unwritten, certainly has a certain bent, a distinct curve, that I do not approve of. And while my approval is scarce needed, and certainly ignored, it is what I wish to contribute. Drastic times call for desperate measures, and mine are certainly underwhelming thus far, but I hope to break this metaphorical chain and save this metaphorical city. Hand me a metaphorical arc welder, please, I wish to operate on this literal patient. But I suppose here's where I get off this pity train, and jump back into the deep places of today. Mind the gap. Mind the gap. Mind the gap.
01 January 2009 @ 03:29 am

I've made it through another one.
Hopefully this next will be better than the last.

17 December 2008 @ 10:42 pm
in about a month, this man will be president of this country

I am well pleased.
12 December 2008 @ 01:40 am
So today was pretty terrible.

Like, all at once, the universe/god/karma/random chance thought to itself "Hey, Nick's had some good things going the past month or so. Let's just shit all over him!" And then he high-fived al his frat buddies, did a couple shots of Jaeger, and completely fucked about half my life. Which is, y'know, pretty cool. I'm totally a fan of that. I like the universe/god/karma/random chance. I want to shake his hand and give him a $5 bill. Immediately before I smack his face off of his face.

So I've got that going for me. Which is nice.

You may return to your duties. England prevails.
21 November 2008 @ 09:28 pm
Why does today exist? I mean, philosophically, why do we need to define a specific interval of time as "now", thus necessitating a "then"? All times being one, every moment is technically a "now", so "then" is irrelevant and a product of nostalgia. Thusly, "now" is rendered pointless, since every time is now.
02 November 2008 @ 07:46 pm
If you are loud and ugly about your political beliefs, to the point of hate-mongering, you deserve ANY AND ALL hostility I give you.

Mind you, I don't mind if someone's affiliations are different from mine. In fact, open discourse is welcome, as I love a good solid argument. But rumor mongering and accusations with no basis in fact other than your own prejudices are NOT something you want to confront me with, because I will fight you and probably destroy you with psychic dynamite.

Rule number one when talking to me about politics: DON'T BE A DOUCHE.

You may return to your duties. England Prevails.
02 November 2008 @ 01:09 am
Tracing the lines from left to right is how I spend my hours, my minutes, my second chances, all of them added up and thrown away with the notions of things like "moving" and "on" and "handling", but so what? These things, as they say, "Happen", and so I keep counting them up and letting them go, miles and miles of scrap paper becoming a lifestory. Concepts abound, robotics and zombification, and beware of things that declare "EXTERMINATE!", because they only lead to problems in the near future. Or the far future. Or the immediate past. (Did I mention it travels through time?) Anyway.

What is the point of this? I'm not entirely sure. I'm fairly certain I had one when I started, but it has escaped into the wilderness and left me bereft of both plan and plot, and so I'm filling the space with blather and bluster. Much like my every-day life. We are disasters, but we get what we ask for, and I laugh at catastrophe anyway. Any way, that's how I get along. Whatever keeps me standing, startled and stricken, and no, this is not an invitation. "Everybody's sick for something that they can find fascinating." Everyone but me. Because I'm sick of everything already. But it is all good, we do what we need to get by, and then we fall anyway. Because that is what happens. Anyway.

I can't really elaborate, because I can't quite elucidate to myself what I even mean by any of this. So bear arms, with bare arms, and take aim before I get out of sights. And out of sorts. Or sort out exactly what I need to get along just to get by to get by drink on drink on drink FUCK I got sidetracked again. Apologies. Whatever. You don't give a shit. I think it's fairly obvious what I think. But it doesn't really matter, in the long run. We all end up where we need to be. Eventually. Anyway.

Any way.
27 October 2008 @ 09:23 am
26 October 2008 @ 01:00 pm